This morning I got up early to go to a meeting, and when I showed up I realized- I was one day early! Annoyiiing ;( So I sulked a bit and grumpied my way down to Camillo Bastup and had a cup of orange-peel mocca coffe before school. HEAVEN… <3 So calming. Nice soothing music, nice atmosphere and really relaxing before school. Great start after the shitty one.
Last week I made two new batches of tees. Kill your rapist and Lethal.
Im very happy with them.
Now Im gonna start on Vegetas law, and some geeky valentines stuff <3
Yesterday I was at a reeaally nice house to see if I could live there. Im in love, but It´s microscopic chances that I can live there. Im gonna apply anyway. It´s mainly for couples. And Im not a couple. derp :( Im a tard.
This weekend me and the black bird went out to celebrate his 20th \m/ We dressed up, and partied the night away at Pir6, Charlies and Harveys (dancing on tables w00t w00t!)
Happy birthday Raven :3 <3
Anyways. Last night I was up talking to myself (as I always do. I know- call the men in white coats!! ;p ^^) and I was talking about my name, and how I appriciate it when people know it (very few people do) and how even my family doesent know it (only mom, perth and my brother does)
-And then I got to thinking about how few people would come to my funeral if I died and stuff, but I digress-
I have NEVER liked my birth name. NEVER.
I gave myself new names as soon as I could, Rufio, tøffe susi, Susi, Susi star, candygirl, omega, and so on.
Until Angst came and stuck with me at fifteen.
And now I have my changed name as well.
But my birth name, I dont like it. Can’t identify with it, or any other female name for that matter. I cant be compared to a girl..!
I feel like it’s insulting to compare me to anybody else- Im NOT just any GIRL!
I don’t WANT a name.
I wasn’t born “a girl”
I was BORN a WARRIOR.
And being placed in a god damned gender has held me in too strict a place to freely express what is within my soul.
It limits me. Feels like a restricition.
Im not a boy. Im not a girl. Im ME.
Im everything.
Maybe I dont even want a name at all.
(Maybe thats why I have so many..? Who knows…)
I want to be seen as something other than a name.
I want to be seen as me.
I want to be seen.
I could make up a huuuge list as to why my school kicks the most ass in the entire universe, but I wont.
Instead I´ll moan and whine a bit about THE DICTARTORSHIP of my teacher Elisabeth XD
I got my sponsorship money today from cultiva, and IM DYING to get out and buy in tees to start my production but SHE WONT let me go early!!!
So I made a petition for me to get to go after lunch, an got ALL the other students in my class to sign it. but NOOOO!
Hehehe^^ THIS IS A DEMOCRACY!!!! THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN!!!
Oh well. I probably need to learn to chill the fuck out anyway when Im hyper. :3
Besides. Yesterday I didnt show up to school at all cuz I had a boy over, and my teacher just “ah hehe I see ;) I know, you got to prioritize”
So I guess this serves me right.
I lurrv me teacher :3
MAAOOOWWWNNNNNGGGGNNNNGGGAAAAHHHH!!!!!
IM HYPER! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D (and horny DUUUURRRRRRR :3)
And theres only ONE thing that can fix that (right now anyways) and that´s HARD LABOR! *buckles up*
Time to go kick ass! ÅÅÅÅHH JEEEHH!!!!
Also; This is how much I love Avatar <3<3<3 Im a Na´vi! :D
Other reasons why gateakademiet is THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST THE BEST
-We have two free healty meals a day, and hot lunch on fridays.
-Nothing is a seceret. Everybody knows about everything that go on with everyone.
-Everything is individual.
-Everybody is given second chances <3
-The teachers ACTUALLY SEES US. And talk to us like independent people who decide over our own lives.
-We are not undermined.
-Our opinion matters when we need to make decisions.
-Everybody is a bastard <3
-Everybody is nice :)
-We do lots of fun stuff al the time.
-If we have a problem, we deal with it at once.
-We socialize with our teachers.
-The age of the studens is 16-26 in every class :))))
-We get to follow our own creativity
-We have A LOT of freedom as long as we follow the rules (showing up on time, showing respect, being involved)
-There is no judgement, no matter what youre into (I got a lot of help and support making big artsy pictures of my suspension, and some "Hello Hitler"-humor tees, and they accept me being a sexually deviant pervy bastard huntress, and my finding beauty in gore, death, war, revolution, riots and so on <3 They even insisted on taking me out of the hospital when I was comitted, to go to London, saying it wouldnt be the same without me :´) ) I could go on and on!
Gateakademiet is the best<3
Today I am utterly daft, and Im SO TIRED that I feel like sleeping all the time!
At lunch today I couldnt eat my last cracker so I annouched that I had a dilemma; I have ONE cracker left and I cant eat it. Do I throw away a perfectly good cracker, or do I put it back in the crackerbox, even though I had it on my plate with the crumbs of the food I ate earlier? *thinky thinky!* (BRUSHIE BRUSHIE! SHOOPY SHOOPY!)
The answer came fast as one of the teachers said he´d eat it. PROBLEM SOLVED.
Erlend also came to the conclusion that I could have saved it for tomorrow. (He knows… He knows TO MUCH! 0_o)
Now im writing a job-appliance for megastore, and Im debating myself in the head wherther “duppeditt” is a accepted word to use in a formal letter.
Im travelling home now, to kristiansand.
My parents helped me change the ticket from yesterday.
I stil dont feel ready.
I dont know what to do right now.
I dont want to move.
Its my house, I was there first. I got loads of stuff, no money, and no means to move things.
What can I do?
Nothing.
We’ll (meaning I) will just have to wait and see.
Another dump in the road. You keep moving. Another stop sign, just keep moving on.
It’s not in my policy to write about dreams, but for this, I’ll make an exeption.
I couldnt sleep tonight either, so I got up in the midle of the night to go out and talk to the stars.
I have to protect myself.
Then I felt a bit better, and practised some shooting with my sisters bow and arrow (mine is currently without a string and I cant be bothered to buy a new one until summer)
And when I went to bed again, I actually SLEPT..!
I dreamed about him all night.
I dreamt it was back the way it was before, and he hadnt cheated one me.
I dreamt we continued living together, and how it hurt all the time, and I never trusted him again.
I dreamt we moved in toghether in another city, and how I felt everything was wrong, and I just wanted back, and away from him. I remember us looking at eachother, both shameful, and knowing it was over. Trying, but failing, and just giving up. I was never happy with him again. All I did was cry, and he saying nothing, avoiding my eyes, trying to touch me. But I had to leave, realizing this was the wrong city, the wrong house, the wrong school, the wrong life. I did not belong with him anymore.
I dreamt he tried to do ANYTHING to get me back, chasing me all over with flowers and love and determination to get me back because he LOVED me and would never give me up.
I dreamt he hardly tried, and just gave up, because he didnt love me.
I dreamt he tried nothing
I dreamt we where happy toghether again. But it wasnt him.
I woke up many times, and forced myself to go to sleep again, hoping I could dream that we could just… make it work!!
I JUST CALLED MYSELF FROM THE PAST!!!! :D:D:D:D:D
I got a strange phonecall that started with saying this was from Netcom, and that I had to press 1 to listen to my message to myself in the future!
It was me! (_duuuh!_) And I said “Hi me! Im me calling myself from 2007! Im hoping this works, cuz that would be really cool, and I hope you are doing ok. Hope you got lots of nice stuff for christmas, and that you are happy, becuase if not, I will be very very sad, because I am me XD Anyways, hope youre ok. bye!”
WEEEEEEEEE!!! IM SO EXITED! And YES I am happy!
hooraaay^^
Then I got a message afterwards saying that when I sent this message, I thought my life would be like this not; I would be happy, have a boyfriend (I do, dont I? I DONT KNOOOOW! *rips out hair in frustration*) living with friends (I sort of do^^ <3) and am a star (And I am, have always been, and always will be^^)
At dinnertime my mom put a bottle of wine with a scarf made of paper next to a candle, and it whent WHOOF
I grabbed it and ran to put the fire out^^ Herotaimz!
Not my first time putting out s fire ;p
I had such a great christmas:)))
Everybody loved their presents, and I got lots of nifty stuff <3
I got a wii fit balance board, and a hello kitty game for my DS, a oil sprayer, gift sertifictate stuff, more hello kittyness, and a babypews from Eide^^
This is a video Perths boyfriend made of our cat, Agatha Christie Pusi-Star J:
And when I bother I’ll post a crappy ass pic of me in my christmasgear in front of the mirror, blurry-style; it’s the only way to flyyyy…
O hoio gozaimasu!
Im back at home for christmas <3 And Sataniel (my lappy) is back from the shops de whops.
I completely deleted _everything_ from my harddrive (and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING!) before turning it in for repair so now Im stick here AGAIN with fucking windows vista and using internet explorer… KILL ME NAO!!!!
meeh… give me a couple of days and I’ll have him up and running on XP with all my old shit back again :) wee^^
Hmm… Today I went to town for some shopping, and I ordered some formaladhyde for my eagles claw that I’ve been keeping in a jar of spirits. (UTPDATE; I got it and it’s filled with CANCER so Im gonna return it and get my money back :S seriously. Cancer..!)
I miss Eide. But Im not gonna tell him before he tells me. So there. ;p
Also! SEE AVATAR! That movie is AMAAAZZINNG! :D:D:D:D:D:D I give is six smilies apparently ;p
Im gonna be a Na’vi at next desucon fo sho’!
We got so much nifty stuff at home I want to take pictures of everything, but I wont, cuz Im a lazy piece of shit^^ I love chrismas<3 me ri ki ri su ma su!
Im seriously considering getting a more vegetarian lifestyle after seing this
(I used to have the video in this post, but It made me sad evey time I visited my page, so I just linked it instead :/ )
I´ve got a fairly meatless diet from before. I mostly just eat pasta, cereal, fruit and chocolate :3
and I eat fish a bit more than others I think, and meat a couple times a week.
Now Im considering cutting it down to once a week. I doubth I´ll ever go completely vegetarian, but I belive you can stil be a ethical being and at least cut BACK on meat.
My sister is a full-fledged vegetarian, and I respect that a lot. But I dont think it´s for me.
Now though, I want to fint out more about meat-replacing products. How can I find them? Im going out hunting^^ for veggie-meat^^ veggie hunter XD
To sum it up. Meat once a week (four legged and winged) fish once or twice. then veggie-meat and just pastastuffies.
Sounds rite? yah:) that can work:)
I´ll try it out for size anyways:)
Update; I told Eide and he COMPLETELY agrees with me…! So we´re trying to go veggie a while and try out the different products for some weeks and see:)
Let me see;
In 2001 I would have lost it, and ran as fast as I could head first in a brick wall.
Knocking me out so I wouldnt feel anything.
Darkheart. I stil visit her online sometimes, and look into the eyes of the girl I´ll never have.
In 2005, when I got an EMAIL from a friend saying I could never see her again because i “hate her baby” and “have ruined her wedding” (what? WHAT? She wasnt even married!) I got heartbroken and furious.
in 2006, when I got froze out of the three girls I hung out with at school I got confused and sad.
Summer 2009 when I got a TEXT MESSAGE from Mew refusing me to see him again, and he never answered the phone afterwards I got FILLED with RAGE and contept and bitterness.
And yesterday. When I AGAIN, COWARDLY got a TEXT MESSAGE from Esperance saying I couldnt see her again I just tried calling her, which she of course didnt pick up, then I cried for five minutes.
Im fucking jaded by now. I KNOW I will lose my friends. That they will start resenting me and shut me out and treat me like shit.
I know the problem lies with ME. It HAS to be. But what can I do when they wont tell me what I do wrong?
Like a go-back, I lie down in the snow. Die. Get born again, and just keep on walking.
And yeah, I feel that Im repeating myself again but:
You did a TEXT MESSAGE BREAKUP?
YOU DID A TEXT MESSAGE BREAKUP? AFTER THREE YEARS????
What would you say if your best friend wouldnt have anything to do.
With you.
Anymore?
After some discussion with Eide, I have decided to join late in no-fap november.
It took me a good ten minutes of “WAAAAAT??? aaacchhk nooes! I wouldnt last a day! How will I sleep? What am I going to do when Im on the computer then?? But I dont even wanna!!!”
Then I caved. *sigh* I already caught myself three times today :(
last time I couldnt touch myself I ended up writing a nazi-play that the ukult.net crew performed for the entire school.
where is all my energy gonna go?
Oh dear. Im afraid we´re all doomed… :S
What will happen next?
We do what we must. Because. We can.
For the good of all of us. Exept the ones who are dead :/
Petrosfoliea Banana Balowski. My sis <3
